Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 27 July 2011

image for God Particle Discovered, Shockingly in the Shape of a Cheeseburger
Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles on a sesame seed bun.

Scientists were simultaneously elated and confounded over the recent discovery of the smallest particle in the universe, as produced from the $10 Billion Proton Collider on the Swiss/French border. The source for all other particle creation, also described as the "God Particle", is actually in the shape of a Cheeseburger.

Lead particle physicist from Grenoble, Dr. Fabio Lishious says, "We had expected to see something very small and luminous, the source of the big bang, the very core of all existence, and yet, it looks just like a cheeseburger. Proof I think, that God does have a sense of humor or of course, is not a vegetarian".

Special interest groups from around the world are still reeling from the news. Intellectuals and evolutionary theorists had mixed feelings. Most were thrilled at the science surrounding the discovery, but upset that there may be something to intelligent design or creationist theory. "I would have thought the particle would just be a particle. A speck maybe. A cheeseburger? No freaking way" said one New York University professor.

Religious groups are claiming victory over lifelong claims that a higher power is indeed at the center of all creation, or the particle wouldn't look like a "favorite food". Reverend Arnold Ziffel from the Southern Baptist Church of Tuscaloosa says, "I would have liked it to be in the shape of a nice slab of ribs, but I'm sure the good Lord appreciates a good cheeseburger too". Carol Wispie, President of the National Association of Vegans, has a different perspective on the discovery, claiming that the shape of the particle is meaningless. "It does NOT mean that God liked meat. We are NOT supposed to eat living creatures. Even though Jesus may have enjoyed a nice Lamb kabob from time to time doesn't mean a thing. WE WERE NOT MEANT TO EAT MEAT". Wispie was later seen to be taking to aspirin gel caps, which were made of course from animal bone collagen.

Dr. Lishious was quick to state that the analysis and experimentation will continue. "We need to know much more before making any further claims. We still don't know a lot about the cheeseburger, if you will, if the two halves can be separated, or if there is any more inside, but these are important questions".

In a related story, Reverend Ziffel added one follow up observation, knowing that the cheeseburger was invented by Lionel Sternberger in California around the 1920's. "This is proof that God is an American", says Ziffel. British researchers disagree, claiming the Earl of Sandwich was the true inventor, and only the shape of the bun was in question.

Dr. Lishious apologized for making the observation in the first place, but thought the word cheeseburger was easier to understand than describing the particle as a "symmetrical oval separated in halves by a jagged line which connects across the oval at the peak of both parabolas. Like I said, Cheeseburger".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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