Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 20 July 2011

image for National Hemp Foundation to Reveal Memory Loss Statistics but Misplaces Report
Dude, like I can't remember where that report went.

Bertrum Wallins from the National Hemp Foundation was scheduled for a 9:00AM press conference yesterday in Washington D.C., but cancelled the event at the last minute. Insiders at the NHF say that Wallins had lost the actual report.

Apparently unable to find the hard copy of the report or his speaking notes, Wallins was unable to remember where he may have stored the report electronically. Neither could any of his staff.

Wallins, a strong supporter of a free usage national Marijuana law had contracted the study with Cal State University in Long Beach. The research was supposed to highlight that there was indeed no lasting effects of Tetrahydrocannabinol or "THC" found in marijuana, on the human brain or its capacity to recall memories.

Student research lead, Stuart "Dude" Kairphree says, "Like, dude. Pot is totally noninvasive to brain function or memory recall. Dude". Other competing research however, offered by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggest other conclusions. In a study released last year, the report suggests that although there were no proven lasting effects to memory recall, there was a propensity to "just not care" while under the influence of THC in marijuana.

Kairphree tried to respond to the MIT study while speaking to reporters, but followed up with, "Whatever, dude. Hey, what was your name again?" In a related story from the National Alzheimers Group, their membership was interested in learning more about how THC might offer them the chance to "Not give a crap about what we can't remember".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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