Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Topics: Science, Nonsense

Saturday, 16 July 2011

image for Nonsense People - Who Are They?
No-nonsense!

Research by boffins at a top university has resolved an ages-old conundrum: who are nonsense people?

Science suggests they are a small group descended from Italian immigrants living in a remote village in the heart of Wales.

A large team of sociologists, anthropologists, socio-anthropologists, anthro-sociologists and refectory staff at Maidenhead University have been working for nearly three weeks on the problem.

"We began by posing ourselves a question," explained Prof Wilf Tortilla, who headed the project. "We asked, 'Northerners are always referred to as 'no-nonsense' folk. So where and who are the 'nonsense' folk?"

The team's research took them the length and breadth of the country as they examined lifestyles, language, eating habits and personal hygeine.

"There was a bit of slight nonsense in London, where some people talk in what they call 'rhyming slang,' but once we came to terms with the rules it became less nonsensical," said Prof Tortilla.

Also, seemingly stupid accents and dialects, once deciphered, were found not to be evidence of nonsense-folk.

"We found one community in Cornwall whose dialect was so dense it took our computer programmmers three days to understand them. They were speaking in highly complex quadratic equations - hardly nonsense at all," Prof Tortilla continued.

Eventually, the team stumbled upon a tribe-like group in Wales. Their language seemed to be a bizarre mixture of Italian and Welsh and made absolutely no sense whatsoever.

"The absolute proof was provided by a simple experiment: a researcher stood outside the baker's shop and asked a passer-by where he could buy some bread. The answer that came back was translated as, 'For the best results in upholstery cleaning, obtain a tape measure from an aunt or uncle and place your wrists under the cold tap until your cat's worms have cleared up.'

"Complete nonsense, I think you'll agree."

The research is to be published in OK! and Now! magazines next Tuesday.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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