Written by Erskin Quint
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Monday, 11 July 2011

image for Irish Descended From Potato-Growing Polar Bears, Claims Study
Professor Convolvulus Arrives At The Offices Of The Ballybutton Science Journal

In what has been described as "an historic breakthrough", a new scientific study has revealed that the Irish people are the descendants of an ancient race of exploring Polar Bears, who were the first species to cultivate the potato.

The study - which has been described as "sending the shockwave throughout modern science" - has been published by Professor Jens Convolvulus, of the University of Jutland. Professor Convolvulus and his team from the Department of Comparative Depth Histrionics And Biotechnical Persiflage have analysed the comparable lineages of Irish and Polar bear mitochondrial samples from the last 120000 years.

Their conclusions - described as "shattering to the Earth of Historico-Scientific Researches" - are set to shatter the historico-scientific research world.

Presenting their results in the Ballybutton Science Journal, Professor Convolvulus said the study was "an historic breakthrough" that would "send the shockwave throughout modern science" and would prove "shattering to the Earth of Historico-Scientific Researches".

Bobby Shaftoe, one of the researchers on the team headed by Professor Convolvulus, said that now that more is known about the genealogy of the True Irishman, one of the world's most endangered species, conservation efforts might be better targeted.

Professor Convolvulus explained that climate changes in the North Atlantic ice-sheet would have led to the intermingling of the two species.

"The Irish and the Polar Bears are very different creatures today. We do not see so often the Irish among the ice floes, and a Polar Bear is rare to observe in a building site or dancing with Michael Flatley, but this has not always been the case.

"We now know that the two species will have intermingled across a great area in the warmer climates of the past 100000 years, and would have traded with one another and swapped folk tales. It was but a natural step to the interbreeding which will have fetched us what we are today seeing.

"From the islands of Alaska to the Beara Peninsula in South West Ireland which is named after the bears, this will have occurred. There is the Irish legend of King Owen Mor, who is said to have married Beara, who was the daughter of a Polar Bear.

"The Polar Bears developed their industrial potato fields during the warm climate fluctuations before the last Ice Age. It was also these Polar Bears who invented the lilting music with the jigs and reels, which they danced after drinking their strong alcohol which they had from the potato distilled.

"The ancient 'tarmac' roads which joined their settlements in Greenland and Alaska we have also uncovered, and we know that they decided who their leaders would be by means of the 'Blarney Stone' contest where the candidates would tell the tall tales around the Blarney Stones and the biggest liar would be the Chieftain.

"During the warm periods of history, the Polar Bears would travel in their Coracles to seek trade with other nations. Here is where they would the Irish peoples of those times meet, and that is how the Irish persons have gained their potatoes and their drinking and their dancing and telling the tall tales."

Professor Convolvulus explained that the climatic changes we are experiencing today, are providing a fascinating parallel to those analysed in the study.

"We are now the climate warming seeing", he said. "We by extrapolation can predict that we will be seeing as the Earth grows warmer and the ice-packs are to melting becoming, that the Irish race will get into their coracles and move North, to bring the potato, the poteen, the jigs and the Blarney Stones back once more to the Bears Polar.

"Thus we are seeing the cycles of history themselves repeated."

And Professor Convolvulus had one more dramatic prediction to make. "I will expect that the roads of Alaska will become better, as also will the public houses be, and there will be much in the way of jigs and reels amongst these Bears in the future, though the fishings skills of the Bears will decline, and it will be replaced by the Irish tale-telling skills of the "you should the one which got away have seen.

"Also, though today the baffled traveller in the Polar regions is able to enquire of a Polar Bear which is the way to go, we predict that in these future times, such an enquiry will the following response elicit from these Neo Irish Bears Polar:

"Ah, to be sure, and this wouldn't be the best place to start from, begob, to be sure."

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