Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 1 July 2011

image for Local Man Involved In Domestic Dispute Over Malfunctioning Mobile Phone
Don't Fuck About With It! - Hit It With A Hammer!

Local technophobe, Martin Shuttlecock, today threatened in no uncertain terms to "take a fucking hammer" to a mobile phone, after a trip into town almost resulted in a bloodbath.

Expecting an important call, Shuttlecock agreed to take a mobile phone with him on an errand into town, as suggested by his long suffering spouse, Anne.

Returning home, some hours afterwards, Shuttlecock appeared to be in a highly agitated state, and when Anne asked him what the problem was, he could only remove the offending technological marvel from his pocket, and growl like a beast of the jungle.

Pointing an accusatory finger at it, and foaming at the mouth.

Anne Shuttlecock appeared to be taking it all in her stride, until her husband turned purple, and threatened to take a "fucking hammer" to the offending item.

Shuttlecock, who has been well documented for his hatred of mobile phones, mainly because of the way the users of this type of phone insist on telling everybody on the train what they've been up to over the weekend in a very loud and, frankly irrititating voice, appear to have lost the power of speech, being more engrossed in pressing txt buttons, and are often so busy texting that the daft cunts don't look where they're going, explained that the phone in question wouldn't stop beeping.

"It was driving me up the wall," he explained. "I understand that the buttons can be sensitive, so I put the phone in a sturdy cover and carried it in my jacket pocket. I had to leave it on, in case my call came through, but the trouble was that I only had to fucking blink and the bastard thing would go "BEEP!" really loudly. If I stood up, sat down, sneezed, farted, put my hands in my pocket, or went to cross the road - in fact, the simple act of taking a fucking step in any direction had the bastard satanic device, go "BEEP!" That's all I've heard all fucking day - BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Even in the pub. I will, I'll take a fucking hammer to the bastard thing. I swear. I didn't want fucking You Tube or Facebook on there - I just wanted to take an incoming call. And the worst of it was that I didn't even get the call I was waiting for. Unless they called the land line. I like land lines - I can deal with them, but this fucking thing..."

Long suffering wife Anne offered an unreserved apology to anyone who may have incurred Shuttlecock's aggressive wrath during the "BEEP! BEEP! episode.

"He really is a daft bastard," she said.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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