Written by Captain Dopey
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Topics: Scientists, Einstein

Sunday, 13 November 2005

image for 'Theory Of Everything' One Step Nearer
The Mysterious 'Theory Of Everything'

Scientists at the ‘London Center For Wires And That' are closer than ever before to formulating a ‘Theory Of Everything' - similar to the elusive ‘Unified Field Theory' sought after by Einstein. The new model, based upon recent work by Hawking and Greebeck, is far broader in scope than that of Einstein, and encompasses the disciplines of Quantum Microbiology, Atomic Gardening and Astro-Snooker.
Doctor Odysseus Dynamite, Emeritus Professor of Miniature Test-Tubes at Windscale University and co-author of ‘Atoms: A Guide to the Less Stupid Ones', stated: "Ve haff been verking on zis theory for many years, und ve are now close to ze breakthrough. Ve are also Sprach Zarathustra, und Mitagessen ist hier maintenant, och aye".
Scientists worldwide are said to be tremendously excited about the breakthrough. Genetics Pioneer Dr. Kramer T Sleeves, inventor of the Chromosome, asserted his belief that the theory would herald the dawning of a new ‘golden age' for humankind: "I am so exhilarated by this new idea that I haven't been off the crapper for days. If our calculations are correct, it will open up the prospects of huge advances in the spheres of Semiconductor Technology, Radio Communications and even Ornithology, with the prospect of unlimited supplies of Bird Seed for all".
So far, the chief difficulty facing scientists has been the problem of unifying the laws which govern the behaviour of very small quantum processes, such as positron illubrication, and macroscopic events such as supernovae. Said Professor Sleeves: "We're OK when we're dealing with the very small, but when it comes to colossal phenomena, like exploding galaxies; you've usually got to wear sunglasses. My colleagues here, in the Department Of Monocles, have been of great assistance in this respect. Some of their recent innovations have meant that we now have the ability to accurately observe thermonuclear explosions without hiding behind the settee.
One unforeseen benefit which has been accrued as a result of these developments lies in the area of Rocket Ship Expertise. Dr. Sleeves: "We think it is now possible to launch a manned spaceship from Earth, and reach Alpha Centauri in two days. Our main problem now lies in controlling the huge gravitational forces which impinge upon astronauts during take-off, and how we might prevent their faces from looking like that chap from the film, ‘Frankenstein Must Die'. But we're getting there."
A word of caution was, however, issued by a spokesman from the Department for Science and Technology: "Although it is possible that manned flights to the nearest stars may take place within the next decade, it could take a little longer before we can figure out how to keep sandwiches fresh for that length of time. One possibility may be the application of some up to date innovations in Concentrated Lard Research".
A spokesperson for the London School Of Applied Science said that they didn't have a clue what we were talking about.

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