Written by Court Jester
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Thursday, 19 May 2011

image for The Celestial Thermostat Setting For Carnage
Start looking for another needle.

A distant planet that orbits a red dwarf star has revealed evidence so startling it has resulted in fashion and television personality Gok Wan and R 'n' B singer Chris Brown being hauled off to an underground prison. Government officials from both Britain and the U.S.A released this joint statement:

"In case there is intelligent life on this distant planet and somehow communication or a visit takes place, we do not want them to discover the type of people who are revered for no apparent reason on our home planet."

The detention centre where the two inmates will be incarcerated indefinitely was initially purpose built for a potential war with a faction of society thought to be a threat to Western liberty. More detailed examination showed the group to be Liberal Democrat voters and the plan for mass imprisonment was abandoned.

A NASA probe landed on the exoplanet, named 118 117 X (the planet, not the probe), and beamed back images never before seen. Pictures and analysis showed a utopian society of living organisms that appear to use carbon dioxide in their respiratory system where the resulting waste product is a blend of gases that includes oxygen. Scientists are so excited by the new discovery all funding for the fight against global warming and reducing teenage pregnancies has been funnelled in to projects focused on landing man on 118 117 X by the year 2095.

NASA insiders, however, have leaked reports of shady dealings behind the scenes and cataclysmic developments on 118 117 X. If these accounts are to be believed the planet is no longer habitable by humans and the indigenous species, the likes of which we may never be lucky enough to find again, have been entirely wiped out. How? Why? The Spoof reveals all.

On hearing of the existence of 118 117 X senior BP figures greased as many NASA palms as possible in order to plant a microchip aboard the probe's circuitry. Within seconds of mission control picking up images of new life forms in their idyllic surroundings BP engineers remotely assumed control of the probe and began drilling for oil. By the end of the first day it is estimated more than three quarters of the planet's surface had been flooded with crude oil and been set on fire.

BP chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg apologised profusely for the disaster and promised to contact all the families affected by it on 118 117 X and compensate them accordingly. Svanberg also mentioned costs for the failed oil drill outside of our solar system will be passed on to consumers. The hike in price means for the average family car to go from empty to full on the petrol gauge it will now cost £8,700.

To debt collectors and beyond.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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