Scientists at the NASA Space Centre For Calculations And That today revealed that Einstein's Theory Of Relativity has, in fact, no basis in reality, and that the 'Theory' was conceived by no less than the World-Renowned Crystallographist and Medium, Swami Genghis Tentacles. Professor Steed Bowler-Hat, a leading expert in the field of Entropic Forgeries, confirmed that the original manuscript which Einstein 'submitted' to the World Science Bugle And Telegraph was, in fact, written in a type of crayon not invented until 1943, and therefore must have been written by someone else with a Time Machine - in all probability a 'Jensen History Explorer' model, with a Wireless Beeping Thing on the top.
Bowler-Hat explained (in Martian) that Swami Tentacles had been the subject of a hate-mail campaign - by Einstein - since 1904, when Einstein himself showed up at the Guru's house on top of Mount Everest with a crate of cheap Cooking Sherry, offering to 'have him out', and claiming that the Swami 'had nits'. Since The Wise Man had been heavily combed the day before, this allegation clearly had no basis in reality.
Professor Hat further revealed that it has long been an issue amongst Physicists that, although the Theory Of Relativity accounted for 99.9% of phenomena in the Observable Universe, it did not explain how the planets remain in orbit without the aid of string. Calculations performed in1955 at the Cyclotron Center For Huge Calculations in Nevada, Canada, suggest that, in fact, Einstein was in error in his original computations by a factor of Fifty Thousand, and that this would explain why he could never find his garage in the dark.
A spokesman for Interpol said that no charges would be brought against any members of Einstein's remaining family in connection with the forgery allegations, since 'they are all hiding somewhere'.
A further twist in the tale was the admission by Bowler-Hat that he 'didnt care', and that in fact he 'didn't know what the hell everyone was talking about'. A team of White-Haired Psychyatrists, all with German accents and holding pendulums, were flown in from Geneva and declared the Professor 'a bit sort of off it'. On receipt of gargantuan fees they revised their diagnosis to 'there's nothing wrong with him'.
Readers interested in the controversy, which continues to rage despite liberal consumption by the antagonists of bottles of 'Dr. Synclavier's Nerve Balsam', may like to visit Prof. Bowler-Hat's website at LSD-25terrifyinghallucinations.com. The site includes a downloadable knitting pattern for an 'Einstein Mad Hair Wig',and details of how to construct a Thermonuclear Device from the springs found inside an ordinary living-room sofa.