During the past three weeks, twenty-seven women in Southern Ontario were rushed to hospital because their breasts exploded without warning.
Scientists, mystified by this, interviewed all twenty-seven women and Dr. Ivan R. Don, who 'headed' the enquiry, made the following statement to the press today:
"After interviewing all twenty-seven women we discovered a link. They are all farm workers.
Apparently, without consulting a medical expert they sprayed their breasts with forchlorfenuron.
Forchlorfenuron is a legal additive that is used in fertiliser sprays to promote growth of crops - but if used in excessive quantities in wet conditions it can have disasterous results.
The women had admitted that they had heard of the exploding watermelons in China, after a farmer sprayed his watermelon crop with twice the recommended quantity, hoping to get his crop to market more quickly, but did not think this would happen to a human being. They were wrong as they found out when taking their showers!
These female farm workers (some farmers' wives) all belonged to the same church in Southern Ontario. It is reported that they are all expected to recover from emergency surgery but probably will not be wanting to sunbathe topless in the future. Each needed between 200 and 350 stitches to repair the damage on each breast. Some skin grafting was necessary in a number of cases.
Two admitted they had sprayed their husband's genitals too.
To date we have no more information on the two male farm workers.
We issue a warning to everyone DO NOT SPRAY FORCHLORFENURON ON ANY BODY PARTS AND FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS WHEN YOU USE IT ON YOUR CROPS!"
More IF we get it!