Houston, TX - Panicked NASA officials called President Obama today with some ominous news--the earth's rotation is about to slow down and stop. An unusual planetary alignment on the opposite side of the sun is to blame. Once the earth stops spinning, the world as we know it will also stop. NASA chief Dr. Karl Saygun gave some details to TheSpoof.com.
"Right now all the planets except the earth and Saturn are lining up on the far side of the sun. Once they line up, a gravitational tug-of-war will occur. This is a war the earth will lose." he said sadly.
Dr. Saygun explained the earth will stop spinning, in much the same way a car's tires stop spinning once the brakes are applied.
"Gravity will stop the earth. It's already happening. The Japanese earthquake and the horrific tornadoes in America last month were only the beginning." he noted. "The main event happens May 21, just as all the scary, religious people have predicted."
"Once the earth stops spinning, you will die in one of two ways." said Dr. Saygun. "You will either melt like chocolate on the side facing the sun, or you will freeze like a Popsicle on the side facing away from the sun. Either way, your ass is history." he said.
Dr. Saygun had little advice to give to the world.
"Bbbilllllyions and bbbbilllllyions of people are about to die, and all for nothing. The only advice I have is to pucker your lips and kiss your ass good-bye!" he sighed.