Researchers at the Pettrucci Center for Musical Research have released preliminary results of a study between the music of Heavy Metal Icons Steel Panther, and the spread and onset of remission of many forms of cancer.
"We had reason to believe that certain distorted guitar tones in the songs "Asian Hooker" and "The Shocker" created vibrations at frequencies that would alter tumors from a malignant to a benign state." said Dr. James Bagadonas, lead researcher on the study.
"These frequencies could not be duplicated in the lab, even by the most advanced equipment and modulators. Out of the 100 patients that participated in the study 97% of them went into remission after spending one month of listening to Steel Panther's opus "Feel the Steel" daily."
"This is further testament that Satchel's guitar tone is godlike, and even more therapeutic than Eddie Van Halen's "Brown tone"." added Bagadonas. "Their multiple Grammy awards and AMAs will pale in comparison to this news once they hear it I'm sure. Plus they'll get even more tail then they get now, and we all know that's a ton of tail."
Speaking of tail, another finding in the study is that the bands music may also cure Erectile Dysfunction. 50 males and 50 females participated in the study. Of those 50 males 60% of them suffered from E.D. not related to their cancer. After just one full listen to the CD 100% of those males could mine for coal with their members they were so aroused. "I've already started suggesting to patients they should start listening to Steel Panther with their partners as a substitute for Viagra or Cialis." says urologist Peter Sugargism. "Because If you aren't banging by the third song, then you've got a problem that no pill will cure, limp dick."
It should also be mentioned that even though patients showed a decrease in cancerous cells and instances of ED, gonorrhea and unplanned pregnancy ran rampent amongst test subjects and researchers alike. This too was attributed to Steel Panther.