Written by Ryan Inverso
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Topics: Death, Medical, life

Friday, 6 May 2011

image for Study Finds New Top Cause of Death Worldwide

Scientists at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California rocked the foundation of the medical community earlier this afternoon at a press conference revealing the results of their most recent study.

"We have significant proof that the top cause of death worldwide is life." announced Dr Steven Finebergstien amidst gasps and looks of shock.

"Nearly 100% of our test subjects, prior to their expiry, experienced life in one way, shape, or form for varying lengths of time." Further research has shown that the number of deaths in which life was involved prior to termination is almost equal to all other previously known causes of death combined.

"We have reason at this time to believe that these findings also lend themselves to animals and non-sentient living organisms as well; although those studies are still ongoing." Added Dr. Finebergstien when asked if the findings were limited to just humans.

In response to the announcement several anti-life organizations have began to emerge, most of which have been founded on social networking sites such as Facebook.

Most notable of said causes are the "Life Sucks and Then You Die...Because of Life, Administration" and the "People Against People who Need People, are the Luckiest People in the World Foundation."

Life Sucks founder and convicted speeder John Holmes had this to say on his blog: "We need to find a cure for this devastating disease that we call life. It took both of my cousins and my great grandparents. If you feel the same way I do, that a cure must be found, donations can be made to the administration via paypal, using the email address LifeSucks@notascam.web.

"A portion of the proceeds from Cuckedhusbands.web and it's affiliate sites will also go to the cause, if you don't want to make a direct donation.

"Let's put an end to life before it takes, well, your life too!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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