In far-reaching and draconian new legislation soon to be brought in by the Coalition, it can be revealed people who dawdle at the top or bottom of escalators, whilst gawping at their mobile phones, could soon be facing £5000 fines, or in some cases, prison sentences of up to five years.
PM, David Cameron, has finally bowed to pressure following him having been sent 'arse over tit' by some stupid woman replying to a tweet in top peoples' store John Lewis.
Mr Cameron was in the hi-fi department buying some recordable DVDs and was heading out of the store when he 'bumped into' Mrs Edith Flange, who was so engrossed on her iPhone at the bottom of the escalator that she never noticed the First Lord of the Treasury coming up fast behind her. She takes up the tale.
"Well I was just tweeting a reply to a friend when all of a sudden this posh bloke barges into the back of me without so much as a by your leave. We was both sent sprawling over the floor, and then next thing I know I'm being sat on by three Special Branch detectives before being bundled off in the back of a Police van. I wasn't best pleased either I can tell you."
Downing Street was making no comment last night but it's understood that the new laws will be rushed through and be on the statute book within a fortnight.
Professor of Spurious Nonsense at Brunel University, Jeffrey Tompkins, said.
"We have been studying - pedestrian traffic flow in conjunction with mobile phone usage in department store environments - now for at least five years, and luckily so far nobody has rumbled our research as being a complete and total waste of time; being as it is about as much use as a chocolate teapot. Still if I can just blag it for another eight months I'm retiring and the rest of them can go and take a flying fuck to themselves as far as I'm concerned."