Top Psychologist Doctor Simon Kich has finally completed a twelve year study into the appeal of Soccer (football to the English), and has come to the conclusion that it is all about sex.
"The way I see it," said Kich, "this is a battle between dominant males attempting to impregnate the goal with the ball, which represents the sperm, the male gamete."
Phrases such as 'nice tackle', 'scoring', 'going down in the box', 'fingertips on the ball' and 'screwed the ball into the fishnets' only serve to linguistically highlight the sexual tension running throughout the game.
"In soccer's purest form, you could see the goals as vaginas," said Kich. "One group of alpha males strive to score in the other alpha males' vagina, while trying to prevent those self same alpha males from getting their sperm into their own vagina."
Seen this way, football becomes a tussle between rival packs attempting to prove their masculinity by taking the opposition's vagina as many times as they can, in much the same way as a troop of male macaques will raid a neighbouring tribe.
"It is very primeval and sexual," said Kich. "It is no wonder that top footballers attract very beautiful mates, even when the top footballer is as ugly as a squashed dog turd. Women may not be able to consciously recognise the sexual overtones of the beautiful game, but it reaches a basic level within them, and they respond. They cannot help themselves."
Physiological analysis by Kich has shown that footballers exert the same energy during a game as they would in a sexual encounter.
"It's down to the microcalorie," said Kich. "A remarkable correlation."
Not everybody agrees with Kich. Professor Hillary Dale is the most vocal of his critics. "He's talking out of his arse," she said. "Football is a game, like snooker or whist. There's nothing sexual about it. Although Frank Lampard is well fit, isn't he?"