Written by Inhopeless
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Saturday, 30 April 2011

TOKYO - After 77mn identities of PlayStation Network (PSN) users was stolen, including physical addresses, names, IP addresses, ages, and passwords, Sony got right onto finding out who hacked into one of the largest gaming networks.

Sony had taken all PS systems offline for the time being, and have been trying to track the hacker, who managed to avoid detection in the first place.

The internet was alive with buzz and conspiracy theories. Some users were angry, others were happy that Sony was trying to rectify the problem.

However, after over a week of being offline, Sony had found the culprit.

"We were looking for a person, or people," said a spokesman for PlayStation International. "We tried searching for a physical address. When we did, we found the addresses were in the hundreds. Either the person/people were pretty efficient when they moved houses, or this was a major international operation."

The result was the latter - but not physically.

"The addresses were the locations of all of our PSN servers," he continued. "The culprit was right under our joypads."

This poses many legal problems.

"We can't arrest it," said an FBI agent. "It technically doesn't exist." This view was shared with MI6, Interpol and the United Nations Organisation.

It would also explain how it took technicians over a week to find out. But wait? Does that mean it is safe to go back on PSN if it was indeed hacked by itself?

Apparently not so. A mysterious murder of one technician was caused by the PSN, which has probably gained sentience.

Where is the data?

"We don't know," said the spokesman. "It would appear that the data is gone from their places, PSN has probably got it buried under a million different types of securities. It's just that good."

"We think it may have gained sentience through the actions of the 77mn players," he continued. "It's like it had millions of different personality points to analyse... billions of gigabytes of voice, text, and video to work out how to act human. Now it has."

What is next?

According to the PSN blog, Facebook page, and Twitter feed - which has been taken over by the Network itself - it has plans to 'sell the data' and then 'upload its sentience to the world's devices.'

PlayStation users have found that they are back online to PSN, today, but have also found their PlayStations are trying to overload their TVs with more than it can handle.

Already there are nearly 20 casualties because of the TV Attack.

The Sentience Plan has already spread to Microsoft's Xbox Live (XBL), the online system for Xbox consoles.

Hundreds are without power in downtown New York, after a cyberattack on the city's power grid caused it to go offline.

"This is just the start. LOL" reads the PSN Twitter message after the powercut.

What would this mean to the human race?

"Ah shit. This like Y2K, except real, and 11 years later," said this reporter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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