Written by Inhopeless
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Sunday, 24 April 2011

image for Report: Asshole Guy Is Actually a Shapeshifter, Turns Into Other Asshole Guy
Right Now... It's Shapeshifting. Watch Out Lonely Pensioners

BIRMINGHAM, ENG. - Social scientists at the University of Birmingham, have found out new information in the field of 'Douchebaggery'.

The report entitled, How All Douchebags and Bitches Are Actually On Symbiotic Being, states that most douchebags and bitches are actually part of a hive mind, and most are actually shapeshifters.

It would explain the "I'll Call, But Won't" phenomenon present in human mating rituals.

"We've found out," said one researcher, "that even though you've been a perfect date, laughed at the terrible jokes, and whatnot, and even performed the mating dance, the other does not call, even though they promised. We've actually attributed this to a shapeshift of the douchebag/bitches - or D/B - the next day. It completely wipes the memory of the D/B of the previous night. Of course, because these D/Bs are part of a hive mind - intent on ruining people who want a ... stable..." the researcher started to break down. "relationship - D/Bs set out to destroy even more people."

Usually, A D/B will remain that type of D/B for the remainder of their life cycle, but can swap genders. Here is a list of the most common:

- Corporates: Appears to be a high-flyer, may have many connections. Extremely sly. Will get anything it wants.

- Educated: May have a knowledge of classical works or cool stuff, however, it is simply information supplied by hive mind. To distinguish from non-D/B, most D/Bs will verily trick you into sex.

- #1! #1: These are definitely D/Bs without a doubt. All the other types have defining traits that are different to non-D/Bs, however #1s do not even have a non-D/Bs counterpart. Mostly self-concentrated. Will make you foot bill.

There are other types, but the researchers claim that these are the most likely.

But I saw a bitch again last week. What does that mean?

"Well, it appears that it must have thought that the heat was off that form from you. If you did approach it when you saw it, it is programmed to respond with half-contrived excuses."

As of press time, this reporter has 203 messages from a bunch of women he thinks he slept with.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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