Madrid, Spain - Luisa del Rivero y Cuernavaca, a student archaeologist from the University of Ponce De Leon has made an astounding discovery which turns on its head all previous theories about prehistoric cave women.
It has been a widely accepted scientific notion that prehistoric women did not wear bras. This notion has come about largely because of modern day artist's renderings of cave women with long disgusting floppy teets hanging down around their knees.
Apparently these smarty pants scientists never bothered to ask themselves just what kind of self-respecting cave man with two eyes would want to propagate the human race with such floppy breasted womenfolk. Such atrocious deflated fun bags would put a crimp in any guy's libido, thus endangering the very future of all humankind!
Men, being cavemen, (the animals!) have always loved perky firm breasts since time immemorial.
Clearly, there was a missing link in this puzzle and Miss Cuernavaca claims to have found it.
Initially, she says the fossilized lumps of rock appeared to be two concave drinking bowls that looked suspiciously breastlike to her discerning eye (being a female, she would know), and upon further inspection, she found the tell-tale fastener in the back, a small piece of hemp. That's when the intellectual lights flashed in her brain.
"This is not a strange two cup drinking bowl! This is a device designed to do only one thing: hold boobies! I mean, breasts. It's a bra!"
When she realized what she'd uncovered, she staggered backward and fell into an ant hill, sustaining numerous painful stinging bites. But scientific advancement is not easily won. Sacrifice is involved.
"I knew immediately that a lot of ridicule and doubt would come down on me, but I had to stand firm, just as firm as I know this lady's breasts must have been with such excellent support. This was a well-made bra, no doubt about it. You just don't see workmanship like this anymore, only cheap crappy lingerie from China. I've bought ten shitty bras this year, every one of them disintegrated in the wash. This fossil bra is the real deal, made to stand the test of time, so to speak."
What cup size would you say this cave woman was? How big were her ta tas?
"She was mucho stacked, as we say in Spain. I'd estimate maybe a 38DD, which is another reason her bra survived the eons. At 4 feet 3 inches tall, she may have had some difficulty keeping her balance or running quickly, but her excellent support bra would have made her look absolutely stunning in animal skins. I mean, really."
"It is my professional opinion that she probably resembled Raquel Welch in that scene from "5 million years B.C, something along those lines. I will do a computer simulation upon return to the university to determine just how hot she would have been."
Excuse me, Luisa but the movie was called "1 Million Years B.C."
"Well, I am so sorry, excuse the hell out of me, movies are not my forte. I am a scientist, not a movie reviewer!"
I had gotten under her skin. I wanted to know why more fossil bras hadn't turned up over the centuries. Why this one? Why now?
"That's simple. The bras of smaller breasted cave women would have wasted away to nothing, the poor dears, they wouldn't have had a lot worth saving over the eons, but this woman - she was a REAL WOMAN, her large brassiere was a champ. Of course, it has turned to rock but you can still see how it will almost fit me when I hold it up to my own somewhat pathetically smaller titties….I mean, breasts. If I'd known her back then, I'd have kept a watchful eye on my cave hubby when he went out bison hunting if you know what I mean."
Amazingly, the rocky formation did indeed look like a bra, except that it wasn't pink or have lace or anything girlie or frilly dangling off it. Just your basic rock fossil bra. No embellishments. Meant that this was a no-nonsense type of cave lady, a woman of action. Just get the job done, hold the twins up and take care of the business of propagating planet Earth.
Even though I'd never met this babe nor would I since she'd long ago rotted away, I felt I knew her. And I liked her. A LOT.
I couldn't resist interjecting some levity into this otherwise serious scientific discussion.
"Luisa, do you suppose that's why bras in the modern world are sometimes referred to as "boulder holders?"
"Oh you! I saw that joke coming a mile off! I knew I couldn't get through this interview without a silly comment from a man, a modern day caveman like all you men are! Nothing has changed. I hope I find a thousand more fossil bras throughout Spain, like a bra burial ground or something, just to make the male artists of the world ashamed and apologize for painting lovely cavewomen throughout time as slaggy droopy titted losers. That's what I do for a living, how about you? Eh? You make jokes about serious work. Go away Mr. Caveman!"