New York - After testing DNA samples on 15 celebrities, a scientist in New York City has discovered that virtually everyone in show business is genetically related. This biological phenomenon explains why most people who "make it big" in show biz generally have a mother, father, aunt, uncle, cousin, brother, sister, niece, nephew, grandmother, grandfather, great-grandmother, great-great grandfather, fifth cousin or other extremely near or distant relative in the business.
Until Dr. Ernest Earhardt proved this remarkable DNA connection with his brilliant research, most people, particularly struggling actors who scrape by to pay their rent while waiting tables or selling their bodies, have blamed celebrity success on nepotism and "it's not what you know, but who you know."
However, with firm scientific evidence that it's all about genetics and DNA, the nay sayers and sour grapes crowd will have to shut their bitter mouths and realize that sometimes, talent is simply in the blood and has absolutely nothing to do with someone getting their horribly untalented kid or their niece or ninth cousin into an audition while far more talented and deserving people sit on the sidelines contemplating suicide or begging for work within the entertainment industry.
Dr. Earhardt says there is virtually no one in show business who doesn't have a genetic connection. When asked, for example, if Brad Pitt is related to Angelina Jolie, he answered, "Yes, absolutely, they are genetically related. Just look at their puffy sensuous lips, do you need more proof than that?"
His findings raise some sticky ethical issues about inbreeding and the health of offspring of inter-related celebrities.
"Miss Drew Barrymore is an unfortunate case study in what can happen. An alcoholic by age 3, a promiscuous party animal with a highly unstable personality, Ms. Barrymore is the product of centuries of celebrity inbreeding. It's not her fault, it's in her blood."
Even more shocking and controversial, Dr. Earhardt claims that all celebrities share one common ancestor: a dancing monkey that he traced genetically to ancient Rome. Without going into extreme detail, he says science is not concerned with making moral judgments about interspecies hanky panky, but only on empirical evidence.
"If the statistics and numbers show the facts, then that's what I base my findings on, not my personal disgust at just how all these celebrities have spawned and come into being. They're here, they are all related, and we've just got to cope with it somehow."
He stopped short of saying Lady Ga Ga and Jesus (both celebrities) were related, but that "anything is possible".
What advice does Dr. Earhardt have for people with show business aspirations who are not part of the entertainment industry gene pool?
"Give up. Forget about it. If it's not already in your DNA, there's really no hope. Just stay home and write spoofs."