Written by Paul West
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Topics: Universe, Nature

Tuesday, 4 October 2005

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This week Cambridge physicists revealed new findings concerning the nature of the Universe which are threatening to stand the Cosmos on its black hole. According to a recent article in the monthly Nature, the Universe never existed and therefore can be ruled out as an agent for the creation of mankind. "We must be from someplace else," said lead physicist Warren Fried, an American professor on loan from Caltech, who has worked with Kip Thorne and Stephen Hawking on research they misplaced somewhere.

"We also may not exist," added Fried, "If so it is pointless even to try to make sense of the world, for we don't exist and consequently don't matter." Other scientists were more skeptical. At last week's Geneva Symposium, one noted physicist argued strongly that, "I need more proof before I am willing to accept the theory of non-existence. It just seems a bit silly, on the face of it, to not exist when all else would point to the conclusion; yes, we do exist! We shall see."

The Theory of Quantum Disappearance or TQD, as it is called by its discoverers, depends on exotic permutations on the works of Einstein and Pythagoras, combined to meld Light and Gravity into one incomprehensible state of zero energy called Levity. In this topsy-turvy world of the very small the forces of nature give in to disorder and ultimately reveal that they never in fact existed, this having been established, according to Fried in multiple experiments with the atom-smashing super-collider at Loop, Netherlands.

Fried stunned fellow members of the British academic world in 1979 when he first posed the question of Black Holes and their relationship to mood disorders in domestic fowl, now accepted as doctrine by most scholars. Having been disowned once by his peers, Fried and his associates have maintained a pre-surprise-party-style secrecy with respect to their discovery.

"This promises to be the most important research physics has seen in fifty years.", said Dr. Flynn Dowland of Princeton University. "If the universe doesn't exist then what the heck are doing here? Are we here, or is it just me? We can begin to wonder now."

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