A revolutionary new diet has been revealed by the Science Department at Weightlookers that allows people to burn extra calories without increasing their exercise amount. Crucially, this diet works better the more that you weigh.
"We call it the Awake Plan," said Brenda Wobbletum, science advisor to Weightlookers. "It's genius. If they gave out awards for being a genius, this plan would get one."
The science behind the Awake Plan is well known, making the weight loss regime obvious in hindsight. A human at rest will burn calories in direct proportion to their weight in kilograms. Asleep, they burn a fraction of their weight in kilograms.
"Say you weigh ninety kilos," said Wobbletum. "This means that sat around watching TV you will burn ninety calories an hour. The average person will burn four fifths that number of calories while asleep. This would be seventy-two calories for a ninety kilo person. Straightaway you can see that you burn eighteen calories an hour more awake than asleep. By staying awake for two extra hours a day, even if all you do is watch TV, you will burn seventy-two calories more. That's a mouthful of a Mars bar, or fifty medium carrots. The more you weigh, the greater the disparity: a hundred and eighty kilo person will burn one hundred and forty-four calories extra a day. That's over a thousand calories burned extra each week!"
Although the science behind the revolutionary diet is sound, it has its detractors, coming mainly from the Sleep Deprivation Institute in Manchester.
"I can't argue with the numbers," said Matt Tress. "However, this diet is definitely in the category of 'Not good for you'. For a start, when people stay up longer they tend to drink beer and eat biscuits. Even if they do not consume extra calories, they're going to feel like shit if they're not getting enough sleep."
Brenda Wobbletum agrees that this is a downside. "I do feel awful," she said. "I'm having to drink four cups of coffee just to get going in the morning. I look forty-five, and I'm only thirty. I think I've bought all of Boots's stock of Garnier Caffeine eye roller!"