Written by Gail Farrelly
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Wednesday, 6 April 2011

image for IBM Computer Watson Announces He's Available for College Commencement Speeches
Somewhere over the rainbow ...

Fresh from his victory on the game show "Jeopardy," he told the world at a press conference yesterday that he's ready for his next challenge: stepping up to the podium to give commencement speeches.

So far, there are no invitations. But Watson is not deterred. He's sure they will be arriving in the mail any day now.

Consequently, he's getting himself all gussied up. He's hired a tailor to make him an academic cap and gown that will be perfect for his mini proportions. And, even though it may be difficult to keep the academic cap anchored, he's got it covered. "The cap will have a built-in magnet," he confided, "that will keep it in place at all times." Watson continued, "And the tassel will be automated to swing like clockwork."

He's working on some speeches but says that part will be easy, since virtually all the world's knowledge is inside his head. He definitely plans on talking about the benefits of a college education and said he'd use this quote from Teddy Roosevelt: "A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad."

He plans to end his talk by quoting Judy Garland: "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

Not bad, huh? Bravo, Watson!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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