A group of Dutch Elm trees are saying that they are breaking a decades-old silence to show the nation about the controversy surrounding dandelions.
"For years we have been silent about this national tragedy. However, unlike my father, and my father's father, I will stand up and proclaim it to the world: dandelions are gigantic f--king assholes."
According to researchers, the dandelion / traditional forestation feud has been going on for some time. Experts say that the popularity of the Dandelion Salad in the 1970's, which shot the yellow-flowered weed into the mainstream, bred a level of arrogance heretofore unseen in shrubbery.
"Some Greenwich Village poof invents a $25.00 Dandelion Salad with Lardons, Goat Cheese Phyllo Blossoms and Filet of Aborted-fetus Liver, and suddenly the dandelions flit about like their sh-t doesn't stink," said Bob, a 115-year-old elm tree from the Lower Mayfair section of Northeast Philadelphia. "Two weeks before that dogs were pissing on them. For sport."
"They walk around here, so high and mighty: Blah, blah, 'we are edible in our entirety,' 'We produce seeds asexually via apomixis,' 'we are tap-rooted perennial herbaceous plants whose hollow stem exudes a milky sap when broken,'" complained Bob's wife, Millie, who grew up in Kensington. "You want to impress me? Support a tire swing."