Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: America, Acne

Tuesday, 27 September 2005

image for Oil Crisis: West to Resume Whaling and Considers Draining Adolescents
A-harpooning we shall go - happy days are here again

The Western powers are to remove all bans on whaling as the international oil crisis deepens. And America's acne-ridden, hormone-charged adolescents are also being drafted in as a supplementary source of fuel.

Scientists believe a sea mammal harvest - which would include seals, dolphins, ocean giraffes and porpoises - is now a priority and could break the West's dependency on oil imports from the Middle East.

Conservationists have already condemned the move but the leaders of the G8 countries believe a carefully controlled breeding and extermination programme would provide enough oil that, when combined with natural fossil fuels, could restore political dominance to the West.

It is also significant that Saudi Arabia and her neighbours have suffered a dearth of whales for over 2,000 years, with the last siting being taken by Noah, just south of Baghdad in 223BC.

The average Sperm Whale, the largest of the toothed ‘big fish', carries over 300 gallons of oil in its cranial cavities alone - enough to power the average American family saloon car for nearly a day. Combined with the many other species, the mass execution of the ocean's dumb animals can bring huge benefits to man's material needs.

Now, under the banner ‘Slaughter Makes Sense', a public awareness campaign is being launched and whaling stations around the Alaskan and Scottish Hebridean coastlines are being frantically refurbished in preparation for the resumption of harpooning.

Seagulls, gannets and puffins may also be utilised. Their feathers contain a high level of oil. By building a string of giant wind-powered blenders, the mass liquidisation of seabirds, followed by a simple refraction process, could also provide a valuable supplement to national resources.

Again, this would be a development aimed at snubbing the Saudis who have precious few seabirds in their sandy wastelands.

"God provided us with a rich hunting ground and it is our duty to Him to feast ourselves upon it," said Professor Sefton Delmer, Head of the US Government's Christian Exploitable Energy Foundation.

Professor Delmer also revealed that studies were ongoing into the facial oil generated by post pubescent boys as a possible supplementary source of fuel.

Mass drainage could provide a vital source of cooking oil for fast food chains, while also improving the nation's complexion. Further distillation and refraction of facial grease could also provide valuable polymers for food packaging.

This generation is proving to be the bright hope for mankind's future.

Earlier this year, an experiment carried out with a volunteer group of high school students in Texas revealed that, when a dynamo was attached to the wrist, each boy generated enough electricity every evening to power a microwave for seven minutes.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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