Personality profiling and monetary spending pattern specialist, Dr. Hugh M. Ongusbeek, released a series of luxury car purchase findings today at the London Annual Psychoanalysis Conference, more affectionately labeled by insiders as the "Head Banger's Ball".
Ongusbeek claims to have successfully matched quirks in personality to the type of luxury vehicle most desired by a person, to a degree of accuracy +/- 3%.
To illustrate, Dr. Ongusbeek offered four automobile examples where the owner of that vehicle would match the forecasted personality profile about 73% of the time. "Yes, there are exceptions of course. A person might simply like the look of a particular car, but there are usually some overriding personal quirks that lead a person to selecting a particular vehicle".
"Let's take a full sized Range Rover for example", says Ongusbeek.
"Male purchasers typically suffer from a Napoleon complex, short and ridiculed all their lives. This vehicle says, I drive a big expensive 4 wheel drive gas guzzler. Get the funk out of my way".
Ongusbeek adds, "Of course the same applies to women drivers, except the famously off road vehicle never leaves the city streets".
Next on Ongusbeek's study was the Mercedes convertible AMG.
"Fast, expensive, exclusive. It is designed to make people think you bought it for the German engineering, but it really compensates for a round belly, a bald head, and a lack of ability to maintain a relationship with anything other than a mechanical device. Which probably explains the lifelike vibrating doll hiding in the owner's closet."
With the Jaguar XF, a purchaser gets both luxury and some exclusivity though Ongusbeek feels there is more to the story.
"Yes, well at around 32,000 pounds it can be affordable luxury, but you're fooling yourself into thinking it is British engineering. The purchase really says that I'm in denial over the fact that Jaguar is an India owned company, and if India were still part of the empire, it would still be, technically, a British engineered car. But, it still is a very fine automobile, and I say that with some feeling of guilt over our country's history with India".
Ongusbeek admitted later to owning a XF, and followed with a comment made with hand covering mouth, "Damn Gandhi".
The Cadillac CTS rose to some recent acclaim, setting the Nurburgring lap record for a 4 door sedan, though Ongusbeek sees flaws in the personalities of these owners as well.
"It says that this is the best you can buy from US engineering, if you like big thirsty engines, plastic, blinky lights and chrome. Owners aren't smart enough to look beyond the US border for better options, and they are typically overcompensating for a lack of length and girth packed in their shorts."
Finally Ongusbeek featured any Lexus vehicle as "Luxury for the stupid". Citing examples of their top line automobiles looking exactly like a Camry in every body detail, Ongusbeek says, "Why bother. It's a family sedan with better tires and some simulated woodgrain on the console. It says, I believed the salesman when he told me there was nothing better on the market. These are mid level managers who work in customer service somewhere and botch the answers to your questions."
When asked if there was any make of luxury car that Ongusbeek approved of, he replied, "Ferarri. If you can really afford one, you already know you're a pretentious prick so there is really no personality conflict. You have F.U. money and can leverage it whenever you need to. It doesn't really matter what other people think at that point".