Written by IainB
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Monday, 28 March 2011

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This squirrel is not dead, it is merely resting (C) Monty Python

Biologists at Woking University have shown that resting is the ultimate cause of premature death among Westerners.

"Basically," said Professor Emett Brown, "when a body is at rest, it has lost all energy and is at its lowest state of entropy. This is another way of saying dead."

A massive study involving ten thousand dead people and fifty living people has shown that those that are alive are moving, whilst those that are dead are still, or resting.

"There are many indications in Engish that this is the case," said Brown. "For a start, we know that there is no rest for the wicked, and only the good die young, therefore, resting is for the good, who die young. We also use the phrases 'At rest' and 'rest in peace' for those that are dead."

Brown believes that this is the secret to eternal life.

"What I am currently testing," said Brown, "is that if I keep moving, I will stay alive forever. The moment I stop, I'll be dead. So far, it's working."

Brown is the first to admit that there are one or two obstacles in his way.

"For a start, according to my phrase-a-day calendar, the only things certain are death and taxes. So far, I've either used a bus or driven, so I've avoided taxis. By avoiding resting, I hope to avoid death too. My problem is, by disproving that phrase, I may also be proving that not all phrases are true, and the only the good die young phrase may also be incorrect. I'm willing to give it a go, though."

Brown is currently thirty-five.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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