Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 23 March 2011

image for Day Old Bagel Stops Gunshot, Saves Man's Life
Fired then stopped by the Spelnik day-old bagel, bulletproof vest.

Normally ordering two bagels a day on his morning trek to work, Norman Spelnik, Wall Street Banker, enjoyed a touch of pure luck or perhaps more accurately stated, a benefit of his own poor memory when a forgotten day-old bagel left in his upper chest coat pocket had stopped a mugger's bullet and saved his life.

Spelnik, having neither the time nor the opportunity to consume more than one bagel on that previous day, had reportedly left the other forgotten and stowed away in an upper pocket of his water proof parka shell.

Police originally investigating the scene were shocked at the effectiveness of the bagel to absorb the 9mm bullet impact, fragment it, and then capture all lead fragments within the bagel. "I've never seen anything like it", says Detective William "Billy" Denewet. "We performed first-responder medical care to Mr. Spelnik, but only found a bruise on his chest. That's one hell of a bagel".

Spelnik, not only a banker but a frustrated inventor as well, took the opportunity to prototype a bulletproof bagel vest, familiar with the density, hardness factors and inedibility of the day old bagel. "I'm finding that Pumpernickel bagels work best, especially the ones from the Curb Street Deli on Front Street".

Collaborating with the owner of the Curb Street Deli, Spelnik also added some ground up Kevlar fiber to the bagel mix, increasing the bagel's stopping power for larger caliber projectiles. "These little day old beauties will stop everything up to a rifle slug", says Spelnik. Manny Sowinski, owner of the deli says, "We've been using day old bagels in non traditional ways for years. We chock truck tires, use them as doorstops or emergency auto glass breaking tools, and of course to fight off muggers. Nothing stings the forehead or stops an attack like a well thrown day-old bagel".

There were drawbacks to Spelnik's design however. While day old bagels offered the right combination of density and pliability, (hard enough to break up the bullet, but soft enough to absorb the kinetic energy) two-day old bagels shattered into a million pieces. "Too brittle", says Spelnik. "Looks like the protective qualities of the bagel only last a day, then of course there's the problem of the hole in the bagel center. The bullet needs to hit the bagel to be stopped by the bagel".

"Yeah, that bagel hole proved to be a design killer", says Sowinski. "That, and you can't wear the vest for more than a day. Proof once again that day old bagels aren't worth a damn."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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