Written by Stella Kordun
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Topics: Archeology, crazy

Monday, 14 March 2011

Archaeologists, especially of the popular TV variety, have astounded viewers and university departments from different disciplines it has emerged. That they can find any old piece of rotting wood and imagine that they have stumbled upon a vast community from the Middle Ages amazes observers.

Professor Shocked, Professor of Rational Thinking from Surrey University says, "Dr Greengage approached me last week to show off what his team believed to be a mine of human skulls. All he had in his hand was a shard of bone, with hard edges I must add, looking or resembling nothing like a human skull. To be honest, I just think that he had unearthed the splinter of a dog bone. Archaeologists really are the Masters of Extrapolation."

What has encouraged this perception of hyperbole is the popular showing of TV programmes, like Time Team, who feature a team of 'specialists' in archaeology, carrying out archaeological digs completed over three days. The fact that it includes an actor has further negated the existence of real archaeological finds, it is claimed. "Don't you dig it?" asks Tony Robinson.

"What amazes me", says viewer Peter Getreal, "is that I'm starting to believe that all archaeologists come from the West Country and talk with funny accents. I just think that there must have been a group formed, say, from Somerset, who embarked on taking the mickey out of gullible people. Amazing really when you think about it, as they aim to pull the wool over, not only the general public's eyes, but those from a very highly educated population around the country."

"Talking o' wall" says Mick Astridge, "Do 'ee know what we found the last week in the Chilterns? A dollop o' wool on thems hills. THA'T MEANS what us found were societies o' shaipe. They wer' in charge somewher in the 14th cent'ry an' main curr'ncy wer' wall"

Dr Chuzwit in a similar vein and excited tone, stresses that, "Backalong in time, ther' be this huge waterway. Down ther' SEE? THA'T MUST MEAN THA'T ther' wer' MILES O' WATER AND HUGELY DEEP, MEANIN' THAT ATLANTIS WER' FORMED NEAR T' TREES O'ER THERE. PALACES n'all. Ol' Skinnert found som' scales nearby not like an ordin'ry fishes. We think.....no, we ar' looking for evidence a' MERMAIDS..!"

"Alright my luvver? 'appen it be tha' ther' wer' vast monumen's a' plenty. We spied a gold encrosted portion o' marble and THA'T MEANS that in Plymouth...there wer'..." Dr De-arft was interrupted mid-sentence by the neighing of a horse..."THER' BE UNICORNS 'N EV'RYTHIN'.." However, a young passer-by approached me and said that that particular piece of marble was a broken piece from his Gran's dressing table "n' wait till 'er finds out! Me and mi brutherr, will 'arf be in the den."

The team from Surrey University set about their full task of digging for lost worlds whilst Peter Getreal observes "They're absolutely fucking barking. They really believe that they're onto something. It's sad really, Channel 4 shouldn't encourage their insanity or at least not waste good time and money showcasing weirdos like these. They belong in a hospital not organising 'field-trips'"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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