Written by The Medium Cheese
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Sunday, 13 March 2011

image for Fit wealthy people to face certain death
Where you'll be in 150 years

New research has revealed that people who undertake fitness routines and who observe careful diets are at least as likely to die as people who smoke, are obese, or both. This is especially true if they are also loaded.

James Ward, professor of unsavoury predictions at the University of Lancaster, headed up a research programme lasting 15 years and costing taxpayers in excess of £22 million. The research team unanimously arrived at the conclusion that it doesn't matter what you do, you are going to die.

The research was sponsored by the Conservative party in response to proletarian claims that poor people who are fat and who smoke are more likely to die than wealthy people who are generally slimmer and who eat properly. Professor Ward's team found that all that is poppycock sponsored by left-wing political activists.

The team looked at the records of 9 people who were born in the UK 150 years ago, some of whom were very wealthy and others who were so poor they were almost unknown. The team concluded that every person without exception who had been subject of the research had died.

"If you extrapolate our results" said Ward, "it is possible to predict that everyone who was born 150 years ago has already died, and the fact that they are now dead is not a reflection on their lifestyle."

He went on, "in spite of all the advances in technology and medical care, we are still unable to prevent wealthy people from becoming deceased at one point or another in their lives."

This research has cast doubt on popular claims that the UK is experiencing an obesity crisis, and already smoking appears to be on the increase as people take a more relaxed approach to life, or death. We spoke to Arthur Tit of Middlesbrough who had this to say: "I gave up smoking 15 years ago and now it turns out that I'm going to die anyway. It's all bollocks."

We're with Arthur.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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