Scientists in Birmingham have been working on a revolutionary new battery technology that is set to change the way we use electricity forever.
"For too long," said Matt Baker, "we have been shackled by batteries. As the rest of the technological world advances with faster, smaller, richer batteries have been using almost the same technology that Voltaire came up with in the 1800s."
Up until the revolutionary new electrical storage mechanism that the Birmingham Boffins came up with, batteries have worked the same way: they hold electrons in a solution and pass them to a cathode when a circuit is completed. Even the ultramodern nickel cadmium batteries, which pack the most charge per centimetre yet, work in the same way as Voltaire's series of copper disks in sulphuric acid.
"What we have discovered is that it is more efficient to create miniature generators," said Baker. "Using carbon nanotubes suspended in a matrix of lithium disks the energy in the quantum vacuum creates an excess of electrons that generate electricity constantly. This is passed into a standard nickel cadmium capacitor system, and the smallest set up fits into a disk the size of your little fingernail."
The new battery is an inexhaustible supply of electricity that can power anything. One battery can power a mobile phone that never needs recharging, whilst a series of them, approximately ten thousand, can power an aeroplane.
"They never need charging, they never run out, this is the perpetual motion machine dreamed of by alchemists," enthused Baker.
Baker envisages a world in which all transport, mobile devices and home electrical needs are supplied by his new battery, which he has patented. "I'll be rich," he said.
Apparently, Shell, BP and Exxon are all keen to club together, buy the patent and bury it alongside all their other patents for cheap, clean electricity that would bankrupt them if they ever saw the light of day. "We're already rich," they said in secret. "And we'd like to stay that way."