Freeview, the provider of free television in the Digital UK is to overhaul the way that the channels are named.
The old terrestrial channels, BBC1, BBC2, ITV1 and Channel 4 have sufficient clout that they will retain their names. Channel 5 is to be renamed the "Blatantly Obviously Titled Channel." thanks to their insistence in producing programs with titles such as "He Was Too Fat To Live" and "When Shark Attacks Go Bad!".
BBC3 will be renamed the "Advert and Content Free" channel, whilst BBC4 will be renamed "The Arts Channel Nobody Watches". ITV2 is to be renamed "Almost Mainstream TV", whilst ITV3 is to be renamed "Detective Dramas through the Ages". Yesterday are quite pleased with their new title, as they have been renamed to "War (especially Nazis)", as they have long though that this should be their name, but never dared call themselves this.
E4 is to be renamed "Channel 4 + 1 Year", whilst Five USA will be simply called "USA Crap We Bought Cheep". QVC is to be renamed "Products You Don't Need" whilst the other shopping channels will all be called "Products You Can't Afford", with a number to distinguish between them. Sky 3 will be renamed "Adverts for Sky 1".
"This is all for the good of the television viewer," said Michael Grade, former head of the BBC who has been put in charge of the renaming project. "It will allow the channel surfer to identify easily the type of program that they want to watch."
Dave was going to be renamed to "TV Gold", until it was pointed out that this is what it was called before it became Dave. It will now be called "Top Gear Shows You've Already Seen."