Written by Lynn L'Engle
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Topics: Kids, Coffee

Thursday, 1 September 2005

image for New 'Winner Drug' for High Achieving Kids
Scientists develop Zip 45 for extra energy

A new over-the-counter pill has been approved by the FDA for use in high-achieving kids. The drug stimulates the nervous system much like coffee, but with no adverse side effects apparent after a full two days of testing on ten adults. Many parents complain about their kids being tired after a full day of school and after school activities. This new drug, named "Zip 45" could help kids complete their homework even after a long, hard day and no matter how late they begin. Researchers say it takes only 45 seconds to enter the bloodstream and get to work to relieve symptoms of exhaustion so prevalent in teenagers today with busy schedules.

"Our son sometimes gets home from a baseball game at 10:00 PM and has a test the next day," said Mrs. Darinda Ledbetter, a parent at Greenwood High School in Emmett, Alabama. " I don't know where these teachers' priorities are, giving them tests on the day after a game. I mean, what are they in sports for except to have fun, stay outta trouble, and get a college scholarship? Geez, they won't have to study in college anyway if they're on the team, why waste their time doing it now? But with a pill, at least he can pass the test," she said. "It's very expensive, so we'll quit our regular dental, eye, and immunization checkups for the whole family in order to pay for the pills. He's only young once, and parents have to make sacrifices."

Another parent at a high school in Mountain Brook, Alabama, said the drug would allow her daughter to study longer and harder than the other kids in her class so she could become valedictorian and cinch her bid for a place at an Ivy League school in the fall of 2006.

"Victoria cannot hope to compete with other kids from around the world to go to Harvard, Yale, or Princeton, if she doesn't make above 100 on every assignment and test. Her after school activities also cannot suffer, because that will be the hook that makes her stand out. Those schools can't possibly ignore a world champion power eater who trains eight hours a day on top of a rigorous advanced academic curriculum and a bevy of volunteer work every weekend. With this one little pill, other kids who can't afford it don't have a chance," said Mrs. Lance Jacobs, III.

No long-term studies have been conducted. Dr. Hoof Mandle, head researcher for Energi Labs, Inc., maker of Zip 45, says the drug is "only meant to be used once every so often, not regularly."

Yet their campaign ad jingle says, "Zip 45 is a part of every active day. Take it for life!"

The pills got approval thanks to a massive lobbying effort by the pharmaceutical industry, Little League, and Parents Plus, a non-profit organization dedicated to "pushing children to their potential and beyond."

"Dude," says Duskin Ladari of Midwestern Alabama State Community College, "Now we can party 24/7. Zip 45 rocks."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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