Written by Frank Cotolo
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Topics: Brain, fear

Thursday, 1 September 2005

image for New study claims cells not dead from cell phones
A man using a cell phone with no concern of getting cancer.

MOBILE, Ala. -- Mobile phone users can use their phones without fear of deadly consequences now that a study finds no evidence of a link between the devices and brain tumors.

The same man who conducts the London Symphony Orchestra, Sir Walton Windspleen, conducted the study. He is also an expert on cancer research, having had the disease in no less than ten of his own organs. He says, "Our study shows there is no increased risks of a tumor being the result of using these phones. The bad news is that the nerve that links the ear to the brain could be ruptured if you stick the phone into your ear far enough."

Two years ago, the findings of a similar study by Swedish investigators claimed that using cell phones could cause the immediate urge for a sex-change operation. But even in that study, there was no indication of cancer.

Scores of other studies investigating a link between using cellular phones and brain cancer have been documented since Reggie Spitplanet got a brain tumor after calling his mother on one of the first cell phones sold publicly.

Researchers diagnosed the tumor - calling it by its technical name, acoustic neuroma - and blamed it on Spitplanet's cell phone use. They said there was an increased risk of tumor associated with using the phones and that started frenzy among the study community.

Several studies done just after Spitplanet died claimed evidence that the phones posed a cancer risk to other parts of the body, too. Dr. Citrus Bellbottom's famous 1999 study claimed that having phone sex on a cell phone could lead to testicular cancer in men. He said that testicular cancer in women was rare, but they should be careful with the phones anyway.

Another study said it might not be a good idea for politicians to use the phones for long periods because their brains are still developing.
Still another older study claimed the effects of long-term use of cell phones on adults would not emerge soon; meaning long-term use could cause long-term damage. The study said its results would have to wait.

"The latest study's results suggest that there is no risk in the first decade after starting use," said lead investigator Windspleen. "Whether there are longer-term risks remains to be seen when enough time passes for us to consider an effect long term."

Some scientists, like Professor Peter Pottsindeoven of Denmark, denounce the current study and believe that cell phones will certainly be the reason for bigger catastrophes in mankind, though not soon. "Maybe thousands of years from now," Pottsindeoven said, "they may be powerful enough to shoot a death ray as well as make a phone connection. Then, you'll see violence and murder and general unkindness like history has never imagined."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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