Nutritionists working for the Government's Ministry of Health and Safety have announced that the current recommendation of five portions of fruit and veg a day is not enough and it should be raised to eight or nine a day.
"We have found that a decade of campaigning for getting people to eat five portions a day has been very successful," said spokesperson Ben Decarrot. "So much so, we have seen an increase in the sales of even obscure fruit, such as the greengage and artichokes. We have to conclude that people have found this easy."
What has not been seen is a reduction in the incidents of heart disease and cancer.
New guidelines are being drawn up to start educating the population into eating eight portions of fruit and veg a day.
"We may even have to make it nine a day," said Decarrot. "Depending on whether or not our test studies show that people are able to eat eight portions a day, without problems. Nine portions should definitely be too hard for non-vegetarians, although it may start raising suspicions."
Suspicions are one thing the government are keen to avoid. Leaked documents show that there is no increased health benefits from increasing fruit and veg intake, and that the whole five portions scam was put in place in the hope that people would fail to get to the required number, and the health service could point to this as to the reason why they are getting cancer or heart disease, obesity or type two diabetes. With people managing the five a day, suspicions are beginning to be aroused. The ultimate aim, according to a Health and Safety insider, is to deny people access to health care who have not managed to prove that they eat the required number of portions of fruit and veg a day, saving the economy billions.
Decarrot denies this. "It is absurd that we would even attempt to blind the public this way. It is simply that the health benefits from fruit and veg only occur when there is a corresponding decrease in the amount of meat eaten. Look at vegetarians. When did you last see an even slightly fat vegetarian? It must be healthy."
It was pointed out that just being thin did not denote health, as most drug addicts and anorexics are also Kate Moss thin, but would hardly be called healthy. At this point the interview was terminated.