Written by Harry Porter
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Topics: Death, Cooking

Friday, 26 August 2005

image for Pulped Campers - Victims of Cow Revenge Attack?
Harmless heifer... or hell-bent on revenge?

The horrific death earlier this month of two campers who were crushed to a pulp by rampaging cattle may have been caused by their cooking.

Scientists are refusing to rule out the possibility that the frenzied stampede was caused by the Polish students frying veal steaks on their gas stove - in what is now being termed a ‘cow revenge attack'.

Jerzy Czersinski (22) and Kazimierz Ustron (21), both students at the University of Katowice in Silesia, were preparing an evening meal in a field on the edge of the picturesque seaside town of Methil, on the Fife coastline in Scotland, when the tragedy occurred.

According to eyewitness reports, cattle at the far end of the field, without warning, started running towards the two men.

Crushing them beneath their hooves, the 30-strong herd of Aberdeen Angus then proceeded to pound the bodies until little was left but as gory mess.

Forensic experts have been unable to completely separate the pulped remains and cattle experts have been baffled as to the reason for the collective rage of the beasts.

However, it has emerged that the deaths of the two Poles and the link to food, is not an isolated incident.

Only a few weeks earlier, a woman walking her dog on Clayton Meadows, Billingham, in the north east of England, was trampled to death by a herd of Friesian cattle.

It was initially thought the attack started because of the victim's six-year-old Labarador as the woman took a popular shortcut back from the shops.

However, it has now been revealed that the contents of the woman's shopping bag contained 2lbs of stewing steak, 12 beef sausages and 1lb of veal fillet, as well as a bottle of toilet cleaner, a packet of sanitary towels and a box of Cadbury's chocolate fingers.

Police are also investigating claims that a party of schoolchildren, forced to flee when charged by a small herd of cattle, had all consumed beefburgers for lunch.

Professor Emmet Merge, head of the electrochemical department at Scotland's renowned Dunfermline Research Institute, said: "It is not outwith the realms of possibility that people whose pores are secreting beef by-products quite simply have the stench of killers to a cow

"Likewise, the odours from cooking a cow product, especially veal - which is essentially a bovine infant - may well infuriate the species.

"We're a still long way from proving the theory but we may finally be understanding an established phenomenon. In essence, cow revenge attacks."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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