Written by Neil Levine
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Topics: Iran, Scientists

Wednesday, 24 August 2005

image for Iranian Scientists Explain Yellow Cake's Advantages
They Knew You Were Coming So They Baked A Cake

Tehran, Iran---In what they describe as a major scientific breakthrough, Iranian nuclear researchers have declared yellow cake to be good for you. "It is a mysterious, magical, mythical substance that has vitamins, minerals, nutrition and can be enriched for military rationing purposes and tastes delicious when seasoned with the salt of the Earth," they said. "Our taste tests prove beyond a reasonable doubt that there is overwhelming demand amongst the local populace for atomic snacks and tidbits. Best of all, this stuff lasts a lifetime."


As a sincere effort to prove their reliability, they offered to take journalists for a ride to demonstrate the principles involved.


(In the background, The Grand Ayatollah loomed silently, until he began incanting a Great Blessing. "God anoint these scientists with riches beyond understanding for doing magnificent things for the Iranian nation," prayed Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei.)


Once the assembled reporters were blindfolded and gagged, whether they liked it or not, the now non-responsive and unresisting news boys still on the scene were stuffed to capacity into several unmarked cars, and driven away at high speed into the night.


After a few hours, the reporters were revived, untied and told to follow blindfolded Iranian scientist number one, who at first stumbled into a room with a "Danger: No Admittance" sign on the lead door, but quickly recovered his balance and sense of equilibrium well enough to show the captive media what remained of a rusty boiler.


"We make hot water here," he said. (A mullah walked in to offer a blessing. "Protect the sick little ones from Western temptations and dangers," he preyed with his bare hands.)


Time expired and a second blindfolded Iranian scientist decided the remaining reporters had spent enough time admiring the remarkable boiler so he led them to a room filled with strange equipment, funny smells and Geiger counters that were rapidly clicking away.


"We intend to bake the yellowcake here and turn it into Iranian manna. Let there be no doubt in your mind we know what we are doing, we know how to do it and we are doing what we know. So we want it be known that from this day forth Iranians will eat the food of kings and sultans straight out of the 'Arabian Nights'."


"Saddam Hussein is an evil man and Osama Bin Laden is a delusional wretch, but here in Iran we know how to do things for the betterment of mankind. Let the word go forth that this has been approved by the Great Council of Mullahs and Imams. So be it."


At the end of the tour, several armored cars pulled up outside the plant gates and the reporters were whisked, blindly, once again, back to their luxury Tehran hotels, where they were allowed to phone in their stories, but were not able to take showers or baths due to problems with water supplies that were not explained beyond the term too much dirty water.

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