Normally shy and privacy minded biochemist only known as "Frankie The J", has released a series of findings from laboratory drug trials to the New England Journal of Medicine this week, confirming the potency of a newly patented cure-all drug.
Reportedly carrying the ability to cure or improve an entire series of bodily functions and bio chemical defense mechanisms, the newly packaged drug comes in a 500 milligram pill form to be ingested once daily. Clinically named FTJ-436, the normally shy Mr. J. likes to refer to it as call it "FTJ where the J stands for Jumpin Jehosephats!"
Testing the drug on himself, Mr. J. experienced unique and amazing results from increased bladder capacity and sperm motility, to improved memory, lung capacity and lactic acid management during extreme muscle usage. "Well, I seem to be able to run a marathon without breaking a sweat, drink a case of beer without taking a leak, remember the birthdays and first date anniversaries of all my girlfriends, and shoot holes in the ceiling, at will, numerous times, when I decide to toss one off", says Mr. J.
Mr. J. was modest about the miraculous capabilities of the break through drug, but snickered when asked by reporters about other unexpected benefits experienced during testing. FTJ responded sheepishly but did confirm that bowel movements were also "improved". When prodded for more information, Mr. J. replied, "Well, let's just say that I can sculpt pretty much any figure during evacuation. I dropped a copy of Rodan's Thinker in the bowl this morning. Hated to flush it, but what are you gonna do?"
The chemical formula was sold to Pfizzor Pharmaceuticals earlier in the day for mass production under the name "Pharmajoy". Frankie The J will be used in advertising campaigns as the crusty curmudgeon climbing the sheer face of K2 with a 25 year old girlfriend on his back and a wink in his eye. The tag line is expected to be, "PharmaJoy; Come Get Some".