Written by Moby
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Tuesday, 23 August 2005

image for Batteries Generate Internal Resistance!
Seconds, anyone?

Government officials released a vital statement today suggesting that batteries should probably not be eaten.

"Our subjects don't die, said an important qualified scientist named Phil. "Many just develop a nasty case of indigestion. It'll keep going and going..."

Phil and the rest of his team have been testing batteries for over a year in response to new government regulations concerning the consumption of products that are allegedly ‘non-edible'. He force-feeds daily a number of different goods to and studies his subjects' reactions, many of which are horrendously indescribable. From dozens of such observations Phil obtains regulatory justifications, which finalize the contentions that the products in question are in fact not fit for the human stomach.

"My colleagues and I have been testing batteries for about sixteen months now, because there are so many different kinds," notes Phil. "In the morning, we usually give the volunteer convicts a bowl of size-C batteries with a side of toasted triple-A. At lunch they get a J-battery sandwich and bag of assorted watch and pager battery chips. At dinner they feast on 9-volts and we carve up a car battery."

Many of the test subjects complain regularly about stomachaches and heartburn. On-site doctors explain that, "It's just excessive acid. We give ‘em a Tums or a Pepcid AC and they're ready to go in a couple of minutes."

In between meals, subjects munch on power bars and AC cables. While the daily menu may seem initially quite shocking, the testers have little to grumble about. A number of anonymous volunteers share similar sentiments: "I feel great! Except for the after-meal aches, I've noticed that I have more energy, and I'm getting all kinds of vitamins."

And, many have personally noted that Energizer batteries taste bland in comparison to most Duracell products, which surprisingly retain an herbal tang. The Energizer Corporation is not aware of its' zestless veneer, but suggest flavor-enhancers to augment the dish if need be. The volunteer convicts, meanwhile, simply endorse a salt and battery.

The sixteen-month test results have adequately met government standards, to the delight of Phil and his research team. Next week they begin new tests, working with golf irons and bottled glue.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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