Written by wadenelson
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Sunday, 21 August 2005

Sarasota -- Scientists point to numerous signs that Mother Nature has begun fighting back in response to the challenges of overpopulation, global warming, and pollution. A Florida woman died today from flesh-eating bactera, a Calgary man of West Nile disease, and 1736 Africans of AIDS. What WAS unusual was the press release issued by Mother Nature through the National Resources Defense Council.

"I dunno" said Rich Stevens, spokesperson for the NRDC. "It came in on our fax with a brief note asking that we re-broadcast it. The handwriting was terrible. It looked like a seven year-old's handwriting. We sent a copy over to the White House, but they assured us it was as fake as that fax from Niger. But we're not so sure. She mentions all kinds of stuff our top scientists have only recently figured out, details of which haven't even been published yet.

Reprinted in bits and pieces across AP and other news wire services, the "Memo from Mom" stated that unless the use of fossil fuels was greatly reduced, and C02 loading of her upper atmosphere lowered, we could forget all about polar bears, walruses, seals, and the Arctic ice cap. It said the Kyoto agreement was a good start, but even greater reductions would be required."

"Her memo continued with a brief note to the pope regarding his church's stance on birth control, and nothing short of a threat to the African continent about the importance of monogamy, lest "Something WORSE than AIDS befalls you". Something more along the lines of Ebola or Marburg" she said.

Using a "firm, but loving tone" Mother Nature went over cause and effect, action and reaction, in both physical and natural processes. She went on and on about sustainability. "Mom" stressed the importance of basics like recycling, biking or taking mass transit, and driving smaller cars instead of large SUV's. "Personal responsibility was a key concept, along with voting the environment rather than your pocketbook."

"Mom" didn't pull any punches when it came to scientists and politicians who deny the reality of global warming, and other problems, claiming to have spoken with God regarding potential afterlives in MUCH warmer climates for those folks."

"Towards the end," says Stevens, "She got a little pissy and issued what sounds like an ultimatum, saying "You have no idea how ugly I can become if you keep it up. Think no ozone layer at all, January's hotter than Julys are now, oceans devoid of fish, and a certain continent returned completely to the wild beasts, with mankind absent. Then again, "she said," I was pretty content before you upright walkers came along.

Mother Nature's "note" ended with an illegible "p.s." having something to do with the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, and burning bushes covered in crude oil."

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