Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Scientists, travel

Saturday, 20 August 2005

Bern -- Swiss scientists today? announced they had briefly succeeded in making light travel faster than the theoretical limit postulated by Albert Einstein. Light zips along in a vacuum at 186,000 miles per second. It reportedly travels even faster in the new Dyson vacuum, which doesn't lose vital suction, helping to pull photons along. According to Einstein's special theory of relativity, that's impossible. But not according to the Swiss scientists, who until now focused on fondue, chocolate and producing premium timepieces.

In a phenomena well known to sci-fi fans, traveling faster than the speed of light results in time running backwards. Sure enough, the Swiss scientists keep finding themselves in yesterday after running their experiment.. Rather than their troubles seeming far away, they seem to have come home to stay. No matter what sort of scientific papers they publish, after their experiment runs its course nothing remains, in a "Groundhog Day" sort of scenario.

The Swiss team claims they modify the speed of light by using marijuana. "You see, if you slow time down by getting VERY stoned, light appears to move much faster. Speed is distance versus time, so what we did was slow down time. Relatively speaking, of course."

"Compared to making photons move faster, making time move slower has enormous advantages, most importantly is cost. Vacuums which lost suction were busting our budget."

By taking assorted combinations of uppers and downers, the researchers were able to slow down or ratchet up the speed of light like stomping on the gas pedal of a Citroen. They succeeded in reducing the speed of light by almost a factor of 4 (although that's still plenty fast at 46,500 miles per second), although the test subject reportedly still has the munchies two weeks later.

Outside of time travel, one area where modifying the speed of light would be useful is when police use laser radar to trap speeders. A dashboard device to slow the laser beam a few thousand miles per second could make a 77mph speeder appear to be doing only 55mph. "The market potential is enormous" said Don Valentino, maker of the Valentine 1 radar detector.

The Swiss scientists claim Einstein's theory is widely misunderstood by thousands of other scientists, and only they know the truth. Upon hearing of the Swiss scientists' results, rather than rolling over in his grave, Einstein was reportedly clawing at the lid and screaming "Get me out of here!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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