Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Tuesday, 18 January 2011

image for Kerry Katona Isn't Real, Say Quantum Physicists!
It's not real, you know.

Everything we think we understand as real is merely a holographic projection.

So say boffins engaged in investigating nature at its most basic levels.

The latest thinking in quantum theory was revealed to the viewing public in Monday night's Horizon documentary, What Is Reality, on the BBC.

On what is traditionally the gloomiest day of the year, the BBC decided to make us all feel worse by airing the theoory that we don't really exist.

Theoretical physicists, cosmologists and super-boffins tried to explain their investigations of reality and even told us that if we thought we understood what they were talking about, we were kidding ourselves - because even they couldn't get their heads around it entirely.

The programme sought to explain that quantum particles appear to be able to be in two places at once or do two things at the same time - until scientists attempt to observe them doing it! This behaviour, they claim, goes some way to explaining that reality really isn't as we understand it.

But the biggest bombshell was that we and our "reality" were merely a holographic projection beamed from information stored at the edge of the universe!

Our science and technology correspondent Beresford Handset said: "Wow! No - really - I mean 'wow!'

"I had no idea - there's been nothing about this in the Sunday Times magazine. This really knocked me out (why am I not surprised? - ed)

"So, like, you and me - we're just, quantum particles doing things one way... but if I stop looking at you, you're not really there? Oh man. I've got to try to get my head round this.

"Because - when I see you, that's me observing, and we now know that these quantum particles behave differently when they are not observed. So... you not being there is reality. Or is me seeing you a result of you seeing me?

"And does that mean Pompey didn't really lose on Saturday?

"It could mean that Kerry Katona doean't exist, of course.

"My head hurts."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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