Written by Charpa93
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Topics: China, New Jersey

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

image for China Manufactures 'Smart Ass' Appliances to Compete with 'Smart' Appliances
"Hey, ovah here, stupid."

Major appliance manufacturers unveiled their "smart" appliances at the annual Consumer Electronics Show this year in Las Vegas. They claim their refrigerator can tweet you on your twitter page to let you know when your veggies in the bin are spoiling. In addition, they offer stoves that can teach you how to cook and keep you up-to-date with the latest recipes.

Most of the above appliances are manufactured under US brand names and are debuting on the market with some very high sticker prices. In keeping with their theme of cheap but affordable counterparts, China has come out with its own brand of talking refrigerators and stoves and has labeled them "smart ass" appliances.

Unlike their higher-priced counterparts, these appliances do not use Twitter as their voice but rather speak directly to the consumer, and do so in a voice that their Chinese makers say captures the American attitude perfectly.

The range, a four-burner, electric model with extra large oven is equipped with a New Jersey-style male voice mechanism. This beauty says things like "Hey fat ass, ya wanna dry out that $12 dollah turkey you have in me or ya wanna come on over here and baste the bastard?" and "Geez Louise, lady, where'd ya loin how to cook? Ya tuna soufflé is stinkin' up th' joint."

The refrigerator uses the same 'Jersey' attitude in letting its owners know exactly what is going on inside such as "Wouldja look at that, we got a regulah Marta Stewatt on our hands," and "Hey, the old man looks a little thoisty. Why don'tcha get him one a deese here beers to go with that pisketti your servin' schweethart."

Owners say that the Chinese are obviously big fans of American television shows, albeit 50's television shows, and find the appliances a novelty if nothing else. Said one owner, "Sure, it's annoying as hell, but I saved about $3,000 on each appliance. I can do Jersey at that price."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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