PALO ALTO, CA - At a press conference Mark Zuckerberg will be targeting a new demographic for his social network site. Mothers.
"From the age of 0 to the day they leave for university," he said, "parents have had a firm control and eye on their children. Now they're out of the house, and they've blocked your phone number, what do you do? Facebook them. It's the only answer. If you can prove that you are a parent, with background checks and stuff, you can chose a Subtle account, and we will automatically connect you with your child, fake profile, the works. Only $2.99 (€3.99) a month. Just for the peace of mind for your kids."
This will be the first payment venture that Facebook will make, possibly turning over $200mn in sales of Subtle accounts.
The new accounts will only be given to mothers who can prove that they are the genetic or legal guardian of their less-dependant dependants, using a series of background checks and other things.
Already several people have signed up for an account.
I had an interview with one person using a phone. Her name cannot be revealed; we don't want her kid finding out.
"Well," she said, "my darling baby always listened to me as a youngster. Now he's formed his own political and social opinions, and he's living away from me, I wanted to make sure he didn't get up to no good. Why just now I've commented on his photo of him being with his woman. Doesn't he know that he can't do that?!"
At this point my phone had buzzed, indicating a new Facebook update.
"Did you know, my baby spends his time studying, and being a journalist for some spoof site or other."
As of press time, I was getting a motherload of earache. Literally.