London - (Fawning Fauna Furor): Illuminati mind control experiment technology may be to blame for the tide of animal kingdom protest suicides.
This week's global pandemic of bird, fish and crab fatalities is being linked to an electronic subliminal messaging device that's trying to promote a UK royal wedding feelgood factor.
A NATO survey satellite monitoring subtle frequencies first used by the Nazis has tracked high pulse emissions to a transmitter hidden inside Buckingham Palace.
This is broadcasting mutated alpha wave variants via the meteorological Jet Stream to foist a positive message about April's hoax royal wedding.
"The Palace is desperate, alright," NASA Professor of Epidemiology Dr Einstein Flintstone said today, "and should be charged with mass animal cruelty."
His colleagues reckon the transmissions are interfering with natural radar systems used by migrating fish and birds, resulting in hundreds of millions of fatalities around the world.
Similar spates of wildlife suicides took place in 1981 when Mrs Thatcher ordered mind control equipment broadcasts to promote Prince Charles' nuptials to Lady Diana Spencer.
Over a million tonnes of fish deaths in the Thames were subsequently blamed on sewage contamination.
The extinction of the national beaver breeding programme and the wholesale destruction of native lemming colonies were also sourced to the Prime Monster's initiative.
Today's developments come amid reports of a mass immolation of feral parakeets that has lived on London's Hampstead Heath for the last 30 years.
The 5,000-strong colony apparently suddenly dive bombed a North London garbage incinerator where they were roasted alive on New Year's Day.
Enfield resident Mrs Doris Socrates said today the stench of charred plumage had made the entire street retch with nausea.
Kate Middleton is 29 on Sunday.