Written by P.M. Wortham
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Wednesday, 5 January 2011

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Dexter Spazminski after finding out 4D TV was only a tease

With 3D television already last year's news, electronics manufacturers have been hot to answer consumer demand for even higher tech in the home entertainment market. Enter four dimensional television or 4D, at this year's Consumer and Electronics Show in Las Vegas.

Sony and Panasonic were the first companies to break ground with technology and a physical experience that physicists have only been able to theorize thus far. Dexter Spazminski, electronics industry analyst and physics professor at M.I.T. says, "It's pretty fucking cool, dude". Spazminski was only available for limited comments, refusing to take off the specialty 4D goggles, interact with other humans, or change his pee stained corduroy pants.

Both companies are very tight lipped about the technology, considering the ramifications of such a demonstrable breakthrough touch all facets of time and space manipulation. NASA representatives were reportedly seen at CES carrying brief cases filled with cash, while the CIA was well represented at CES being the only participants wearing dark suits and teardrop sunglasses. Chief engineer for the Sony 4D project, Dr. Biff Stickley attempted to describe the concept of 4D to the press, "Space and time are really unified in a four-dimensional Minkowski continuum called spacetime, whose metric treats the time dimension differently from the three spatial dimensions"

Most of the press had shifted their focus to the Sony hospitality girls as soon as Stickley uttered the word "Space".

Spazminski surfaced about an hour later at the conference, looking despondent and listless. Asked if he could shed more light about the 4D experience or the technology, he suggested that the whole 4D technology was a ruse. "Those hacks just captured snippets of video and audio and then play them in different rooms in your house, at different times of day. Big deal. Arnold Schwarzenegger pops up on your bedroom TV at 2AM yelling 'I'll be back'. What a rip off".

Marketing pimps for the two companies say that the 4D features are programmable and accessible by remote. Funny or context specific one-liners can be called up at the push of a button depending on the situation, location or time of day in the home. Panasonic's sales guy commented, "Picture your spouse heading to the kitchen to use the food processor, and Arnold's voice booming 'GET TO THE CHOPPER', Better yet Bruce Willis's voice from Armageddon triggered by your wife when you enter the bedroom, 'YOU BETTER START DRILLING!'. It's four dimensions of entertainment, like, for sure".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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