A new kit has been released that will tell the user what colour hair a person has from a sample of their DNA. This joins the ranks of other kits that determine paternity, eye colour and racial origins.
Initially developed for use by law enforcement agencies an alternate use has been found for the kits.
"We snagged a sample of Lady Gaga's DNA," said one undercover journalist who would be killed should his name ever be revealed. "Ran it through the various tests, and discovered she is really a male Swiss builder with ginger hair, blue eyes from the subcontinent of India. It's definitely a scoop."
The ministry for agriculture were the only government ministry willing to comment on the new tests.
"The new DNA kits are highly complicated devices," said Thomas Trout of the fisheries department. "They should only be used by experts who know how to collect the samples, use the kits and interpret the results."
Armed with this knowledge, a further sample of DNA was obtained from Simon Cowell's coffee cup. This revealed him to not be human, but in fact a type of bush with the Latin name of Coffea arabica. This is something most people have probably suspected for some time. Wayne Rooney contains no DNA, which will come as a surprise to nobody; whilst it turns out that Kylie Minogue is not a natural blonde, and Camilla wife of Prince Charles, is a horse.