After the resounding success of his Hollywood rebore and sleeve clinic to combat the Slack Alice Sydrome prevalent among celebrities of both sexes, Dr Herman H Clitterman has just announced a startling new project.
He is to return to his native Sweden, the home of sick sex and perversion to launch a DIY course in primary facial mutilation. The course will include tuition in the use of the multi speed electric drill combined with correct mirror positioning, use of ice from the refrigerator to dull the pain, if required and insertion of whatever objects that turn you on.
Out goes the common chatty tattoo and in comes acid etching which can be used anywhere on the body with his patented hot wax transfer kits, complete with radioactive tints that actually glow in the dark.
Unfortunately nitric acid used in the kits cannot be sent through the post (silly bloody health and safety regulations again) but can be purchased at most local chemists without a certificate. As a last resort the acid can be manufactured in the kitchen with full instructions available on the internet.
At eighty quid a bash the kit courses are very good value for money with instructions for designing and making your very own hot wax transfers enabling you to while away the long dark winter hours doing something constructive with your time.
As a special bonus for advanced perverts the doctor will include a large hinged brass ring for insertion through the arsehole and out through the front. It is advised to remove same before attempting the sexual act, crapping or urinating.
The doctor refused to be drawn when questioned about a most hideous competition, so I suggest that you keep an eye on the press for the release date early next summer.