New York City - Scientist at New York Institute of Scientific Abstraction released their findings in the studies of the "God Particle" in Internet Gurus.
The 6-year study shows that 16 of the 26 gurus studied did in fact show evidence---sometimes very strong evidence---of the "God Particle" within their genetic makeup.
Dr, Winnifred Gullibal, head of genetic particulate research for the Institute said: "Now we know why they act like God. Apparently, they're not far from it."
"It seems", related Dr. Gullibal, "they they have figured out a way to accelerate tiny bits of their God-like genetic particles to high enough speeds that these particles move throughout the Internet without any obstruction. People receiving emails, watching videos, or attending webinars are unknowingly bombarded with radioactive-like "God Particles" sent out by these gurus. The damage might just be irreparable to the victims".
Our reporter watched a live demonstration, performed by the scientist at the Institute that did in fact show illuminated particles moving from one guru's autoresponder to the test video monitor in the lab.
According to our reporter, the bombardment of God Particles through the system caused an empty coffee cup sitting nearby to sign up for a one dollar 7-day trial to the guru's new product launch.
Our reporter said: "this whole damn thing is scary as Hell".
When asked about any protection that the population might employ to keep from becoming bombarded by these gurus and their God particles, Gullibal replied with: " Just like in pest control, wipe them out and there's no more infestation".
"That may be a little drastic, but pandemics have been a big scare recently---and this is no different", said Bill Mahickey, Chief Security officer of the Institute.
"Apparently", says Dr. Gullibal, "those last 10 gurus without the particle just thought they were God. But DNA and particle physics proves the opposite".