Palo Alto, CA -- Chemical Engineers at the world famous All-You-Can-Eat Nutrition Research Laboratory 24/7 Drive-Through have perfected a procedure that will turn the diet and nutrition world upside-down: they've found a way to separate the foods we love from the calories that make us fat! Overweight folks hungering for a way to slim down now have success within their reach.
Yes, as hard as it may be us to believe, it's finally true. It's a dream come true to all of us who have the uncontrollable desire to eat and can't stop ourselves once the frenzy begins. Now we can eat any and all and as much of the many delicious delights as we like and fear not that it will all go to waist or hips or thighs. Cravers can run amok! No fasting required…EVER! Makes my mouth water just thinking about it!
So, what's it all about? Food and calories are NOT, as previously believed, inseparable. And there IS accounting for taste. Flavors, colors and consistencies are absolutely unaffected by the revolutionary separation of calorie from cuisine. And the great thing is that, once the separation is complete, any post-processed food item, no matter how previously perishable, can be left out in the sitting out with no worry about spoilage. And, to top that off, no refrigeration is required, unless you want the food cold on purpose. Surprisingly, it's the calories, not the food, that spoils. But, again, the magic doesn't end there. The calories are themselves neutralized as a result of the process and they become unaffected by exposure to air or temperature fluctuations.
How does it work? Well, it may sound simple, but it's really quite complicated, actually. It takes several hours and involves a lot of big words and scary-looking equipment, flashing lights, bells and whistles and it gets pretty messy. Needless to say, it starts with exposure to black light and then white light, and then a rigorous jiggling motion that causes the calories to fall out.
Calories are then quickly captured and concealed in a separate container so as not to inadvertently remix with the food item. But there is a slight downside: Food & Drug guidelines require that manufactured food products must contain at least some calories, so packetized calories must be included along with the product, with instructions on how to add them back in according to diet plans and in concert with recommended daily calorie requirements. Researchers were baffled to discover that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. Yes, once separated from the foods where they originally resided, they all look alike and you can't tell one from another. So, you can ‘mix-n-match' calories with foods and not worry about unexpected, unwanted ‘surprises.'
But try to cheat and you WILL get caught. Try to omit at least minimum required calorie re-insertion in the products you buy and consume and you'll regret it. Within 24 hours of under-consumption of caloric daily minimums will result in a grotesque wart sprouting on the end of your nose that will grow bristly hair and exude green pus. Try to remove the wart and it will turn immediately malignant and rot your brain. So, be safe, don't scare the neighbors' kids, and just follow the rules. Eat, but don't cheat!
Still in the copyright and patent phase, the calorie extraction technique is presently confined to the founding laboratory. But, don't eat your heart out. Experiments are already underway to take it to the public; first in manufacturing plants and restaurants, and then to your dining room table. Cost details are not yet available, but should be no more than your average membership to LA Weight Loss or Jenny Craig.
Speaking of which, dieting plans, pills and supplements may become a thing of the past thanks to this revolutionary new discovery. It will give a whole new meaning to the terms Deal-a-Meal and Shake-n-Bake, and for the first time ever, No-Cal will REALLY mean NO-CAL. Your grandchildren soon ponder, "Fat…what's THAT?!" So, it'll ALL be comfort food!! Yum! Yum!