Written by Poorhouse
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Topics: Fish, Marine Biology

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Marine biologists of the prestigious Floridian University of Carlyle Kursk released a statement today regarding one of the ocean's least appreciated creatures, the hagfish. The small, all but blind, lock jawed, eel-like monstrosity was, up to this point, known mainly for disgusting the weak stomached and consuming whale carcasses that had come to rest on the ocean floor. Now it seems this minuscule aquatic scavenger may have an altogether more important purpose. Specifically for men.

"It's mucus is one of the most effective means of beating erectile dysfunction that anyone in the scientific community has ever seen," stated one researcher.

The hagfish forms a thick fibrous spindle of mucus about itself as protection against the elements. The discovery of its propensity for nether vitalization came about during research on the slime's potential use as a substitute for spider silk in the development of technology due to the similar stringy, fibrous strength of both substances. Handlers of the hagfish and collectors of their mucus began experiencing what they called "awkward moments" in the work place.

"It happened to everybody. After a few minutes of working with the fish, one inevitably found themselves in the presence of needlessly, albeit impressively, stiff people," claims one of the main hagfish handlers.

The watershed moment in the affair occured when the lead scientist, Dr. Herbert Percival, found his pants becoming far more restrictive than normal.

"I am a sixty-eight year old diabetic. I have not been capable of having an erection in nearly sixteen years. I was removing the mucus from one of the test subjects when I noticed what was going on down below. I was about to excuse myself from my colleagues in great embarrassment when they all confessed to having experienced the same thing. The mucus, absorbing through one's skin, causes, for reasons we are only now just beginning to be able to look into, massive amounts of blood to rush to the genitals. It is a remarkable and completely unexpected find one generally may only dream of coming upon."

Theorized to be profitable as well, as soon as the researchers released their findings, whole legions of fisherman around the globe altered their planned trawling courses in favor of hunting down the over abundant hagfish. Mass collection of the mucus is said to be the cash crop of the coming year. Countries, companies, and everyday citizens are looking to invest and indulge in this lucrative slime. Just what changes will occur to accommodate the rush and how far reaching the effects will be remains to be seen.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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