A spokesperson for Janet Napolitano, Secretary of the US Department of Homeland Security, has announced that after a two year, 6 billion dollar study, "We think there might be a risk to using those computer thingies to store and transmit secret information"
In a press release written in crayon, Napolitano stated "This is our job, and we are taking over for the NSA, the CIA, DIA, and anyone else who gets funding for computer security. This is too important to leave to amateurs like the FBI and the Secret Service. I know, because I've been starting to use a PC myself, and I had trouble right away. My aid said I needed an anti-virus software and a firewall. That sounds pretty serious if you ask me."
We reached one of Napolitano's inner circle by telephone and were reassured that "We have everything under control. Secretary Napolitano has an ace in the hole-a nine year old prodigy who really knows his stuff. That kid has programmed his own video games!
The Chinese might be a little bit ahead of us; the Pentagon keeps complaining that they have armies of 'hackers'--whatever those are--that keep trying to trick us.
But we're confident that good-old American know how will prevail. Secretary Napolitano has requested a hard-copy of the internet, and once she applies her brilliance to analyzing that, with the help of that kid, we should have no problems. Our computer infrastructure will be just as secure as our borders!"